God works in mysterious ways. The Devil—Satan, Beelzebub, the Antichrist, whatever you wish to call him—does not. I need only refresh my email’s inbox to see his hand at work. Every unsolicited marketing email is a direct spiritual attack. I know this because I have seen God in my inbox, both His boons and His tests. I have learned to recognize the Lord’s voice: a cleverly executed phishing scam (test). An offer on an item I listed on Kijiji months prior and forgot about (boon). A library due date reminder (both—those are the mysterious ways). Satan is far less subtle. Every time I click Unsubscribe, I am turning my cheek away from his siren call of capitalist consumption. He is the Tempter, after all.
When the first email came, I treated it like any other: unsubscribe, report, delete. I thought nothing of it. To dwell on it would be to invite Satan in. I forgot about it entirely until the second email. That one surprised me; I could have sworn I’d unsubscribed. Then again, perhaps I had only flagged and deleted it. I followed the protocol, this time carefully taking a capture of the confirmation screen after I unsubscribed. Just in case. Report, delete. When the third email came, I knew this sender was a force to be reckoned with. I found the website’s Contact Us page and, with my unsubscribe_successful.png screen capture above the subject line like a pennant, sent a stern email to their general inquiry line:
Hello,
I have received three unsolicited marketing emails from your company. The first was sent November 3. The second was sent November 10. I unsubscribed both times (see attached file). Today, November 16, I received a third unsolicited marketing email. I wish to be permanently removed from your mailing list. If I receive another unsolicited marketing email from your company, I will report you to the Office of the Privacy Commissioner of Canada for violating Canada’s anti-spam legislation.
I did not sign off. Adding “thanks,” or “regards,” would have felt disingenuous. The response came so quickly my heart skipped a beat.
Hi,
Thanks for reaching out. Our customers’ satisfaction is of utmost importance to us. We’re sorry to hear you’re no longer interested in keeping up with new product releases and flash sales. In order to be removed from our mailing list, please provide us with the name and email address you used to sign up.
Warmly,
Customer Support
I scoffed, insulted.
Hello,
I never signed up for the mailing list to begin with. I am sending you this email: you have my email address. There is no reason you need my name. Please confirm that I will no longer receive future communications from your company.
The response came, once again, so swiftly I was unnerved:
Hi,
We’re sorry to hear you weren’t satisfied with your recent experience. Here is a coupon code to receive 15% off your next purchase of $100 or more. Simply enter the code at checkout to redeem it.
XB4TR2E-PL1
Warmly,
Customer Support
The blood rushed to my head. A ringing sounded in my ears. I was so furious I omitted a greeting from my response:
Keep the coupon code! I don’t want to shop with you! I never signed up for your emails. Remove me from your mailing list or I will report your company.
Two sentences in a row punctuated with exclamation marks. If that didn’t get their attention, I didn’t know what would. They did not respond. I took it to mean Satan had gotten it through his thick, horned head: I would not be falling into his trap.
That weekend, the fourth email came. I opened the same thread with Customer Support. I had been wrong to assume I’d won the battle.
Hello,
I have requested multiple times to be removed from your mailing list. I have unsubscribed using the legally-mandated “unsubscribe” button in your unsolicited marketing emails. You are still contacting me without my consent. I will be reporting you to the Office of the Privacy Commissioner of Canada for violating Canada’s anti-spam legislation.
I had hardly sent the email when the response came:
are you sure you want to do that?
No greeting. No “Warmly, Customer Support”. No capitalization. I had pierced through the facade of friendliness, and this could only mean one thing: I was speaking directly to Satan. Swallowing back bile, I replied.
Stan, I am not afraid of you. Jesus Christ is my Lord. Through His blood I am saved.
I noticed the typo only after hitting Send. I cursed under my breath from the embarrassment of it but had no time to ask God’s forgiveness for swearing because Satan’s reply was instantaneous.
that’s so funny i was just talking to jesus and he said he’s never heard of you
What a pathetic attempt to instil fear. God is omnipotent, omnipresent. His Holy Spirit is everywhere, and I am shielded by the Armour of God.
My Shepherd watches all the sheep in His flock. He knows them all by name. You cannot intimidate me, Snake. I will not fall for your tricks.
Refresh.
ok lol anyway have fun reporting me to the cummissioner of whatever
My priorities had changed. The anti-spam legislation holds no power against a fallen angel. Mentally raising the Sword of the Spirit, I typed out the Lord’s Prayer:
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and the power, and the glory, forever and ever.
Amen.
Satan replied:
penis penis penis penis ppenis pneis penis penis pneis
I felt my throat constrict, my vision blur.
What do you want, Beast?
Moments later:
Hey, shopper! Just because we love our customers so much, we’re having a BLACK FRIDAY PREVIEW FLASH SALE! One day only, November 22, get up to 20% off all items and FREE SHIPPING on orders of $100 or more! This offer is only available online. Additional discounts do not apply.
I no longer knew what to do except bargain.
Do you want my money? If I make a purchase from your foul store, will you return to Hell and leave me be?
The response was the same:
Hey, shopper! Just because we love our customers so much, we’re having a BLACK FRIDAY PREVIEW FLASH SALE! One day only, November 22, get up to 20% off all items and FREE SHIPPING on orders of $100 or more! This offer is only available online. Additional discounts do not apply.
A numbing resignation came over me. I could continue wasting my time, exchanging fruitless emails with Satan, or I could try purchasing a product from the online store and see if the emails stopped. The store’s webpage could hardly finish loading before a pop-up window prompted me to sign up for their mailing list to receive 5% off my first purchase of $100 or more. I had to bite my tongue to refrain from spitting on my screen in disdain. Trembling with fury, I clicked the minuscule ✕ in the corner of the pop-up window. Only then was the nature of this horrid enterprise revealed to me: overpriced, tasteless home décor. I squirmed in revulsion and hastened my search. I sorted all items by price, chose the cheapest tchotchke in the store and hurriedly filled in my shipping and payment details. All the while, I murmured a prayer asking the Lord to forgive me for supporting Satan’s business endeavours. It was not lost on me that by choosing the least expensive of the Devil’s wares, I could not even redeem the coupon code he had given me for my mailing list woes. Scales were being lifted from my eyes. I felt as though, for the first time, I was seeing the full extent of the Evil One’s power. Once my payment was processed, I downloaded my digital receipt and attached it to my next email to Customer Support:
Please see attached. Never email me again.
There was no immediate response this time. For the next several hours, I anxiously refreshed my inbox every few minutes. By the end of the day, I still had not received a reply from Satan. I was unsettled until my evening devotions, through which the Lord reminded me to lay my burdens at His feet. Ephesians 4:26–27: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” How apropos, and how wise! I prayed my thanks as I deleted the email thread. Instantly, I felt lighter.
Nine business days later, my order arrived. Its weight surprised me. I accidentally cut my finger on the packaging while opening it—Evil never sleeps. I had ordered the knickknack for its price, not its appearance. I realized I hadn’t actually paid any attention to the object of my order when I purchased it. It was a small owl statuette, about ten inches tall, carved out of smooth stone. I had planned to throw out whatever I received, but that somehow felt wrong now. Its wide, beady eyes had a hypnotic gleam to them, almost pleading. I decided to keep it as a token of my spiritual victory and, sucking the blood from the cut on my finger, I placed it on a windowsill near my computer.
The tang of iron on my tongue had not yet faded when the next email came.
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